What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 01:16
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I think the readers, may guess!
Do women wear undies under leggings?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
All the time i was locked up.
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Would this be the day?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
(And it was in our own minds.)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And i lived it daily.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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My family never makes their pension either.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I will be 64.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But, we were locked up after school.
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We were not on the streets..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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He knew the spot.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I said to her
I could never make a relationship work though!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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So, i spoilt her more .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
What can I say to a scammer who thinks he loves me, but I don't want to be scammed?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Was to survive, this bastard.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My life is so biszare .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He resisted the act ,that day.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
One cannot live in the past .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Who then, do I blame.?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But it wasn’t much.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I have no regrets .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She was in good health!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I waited trembling.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I don,t even have a pension.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
This is soul school!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was scared of men, in general
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I never cut or harmed myself..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Put me off passion for life!!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She found it foreign!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Especially a lifetime of it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
When she asked me how she looked .
I was very sick at this time too.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was 9 years of age.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She wouldn,t have been !
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She married twice! .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I write beautiful poetry .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We all went to grammer schools
She loved him until the end.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So whats the point in blame.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
What did i know ?
Comes on , in middle age.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was seconnd youngest,
It was going to be , some day.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im still living with it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Ive learnt so much.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)